For but I have done that before so

     For me, relationships in college are not
the picture that most people portray in film and in young teen shows. I feel
like the reality of relationship is colleges can be very difficult and if not a
healthy relationship can be very traumatizing for some people. I aim to speak
on a relationship that I was in that caused me a lot of turmoil and anguish. I
was dating someone and he was very popular versus me who was not as popular but
I was not excluded by people either. I just did not have the reputation that he
had. When talking to him I had just left someone behind because he did not show
emotion, I felt like I had to do everything and then on top of that it just was
not a situation that was official. I wanted to be with him and he his
girlfriend and I felt as though it was never going to get to that point.
Meeting him he was very affectionate and kind and I felt in that maybe this was
going to be completely different from the rest. One night I decided to come to
his room in tears and let him know that it was hard but I stopped talking to
the guy. In hindsight I believe he was getting fed up with hearing about this
guy because he cared about me but I was always as confused as to how he could
feel so strong about a girl he just got close to and started hanging out with a
week ago. That did frighten me because as I was sitting on the edge of the bed
feeling completely lost and hopeless he was standing over me  yelling telling me I had the entire
relationship between me and the other guy misconstrued. I was shocked. I had no
idea how someone could talk to someone that way and then tell them they care
but I have done that before so I let it go and proceeded to talk to him. I was
told that I could stay in his room over a break we had and he was going to be
back and that made me feel better that he cared that much even though we had
this issue the night before. Feelings started to develop for me but we would
argue all the time. I had an understanding that he had a strained relationship
with his mother and that he always felt that he was abandoned and I felt like I
was obligated to love him the way my mother told me I should love and I just
knew that was going to make things better. The same way I knew about him and
still did not take that into consideration about why he acts the way that he
does I do not think that I was given that either. He would say I was being very
emotional and very clingy but in reality I was going through depression and
anxiety based on my previous relationship and he just assumed I was consciously
being unstable and I was not. My biological mother also shared these depressive
qualities which landed her in a prison because she could not get it under
control. He would bring things up that he had heard the same way he brought up
the issue of me thinking I could change the other guy before I left him. I was
always on edge and I thought for some reason dysfunction was ok. I wanted to
understand him so much and I even decided to make this work for my junior year
in college but then I started to take Social Cognition and I started to notice
that there was a slippery slope to who I was dating and why I was reacting the
way that I was. I was just thinking in the beginning that he was just a
horrible person and there was nothing that anyone could do to save him but not
because of what he went through with his mom but because I felt like that was
just him. I felt like you had a horrible relationship with your biological
mother but you live with your stepmom, dad and brother. I always told him he
had friends and was popular and there is no reason to be sad. If I was in his
position I would not be this way but that was not considering Lewin’s equation, B=f (P, E) (behavior, function
and the environment). Lewin’s equation was influenced by Gestalt in that he
believed that people’s behavior was more than just them doing that behavior but
there were reasons for why they behaved the way they did and that centered on
function and environment. Furthermore ignoring that only led me to ignore his
situation on his behavior and I felt was sad that I could do that to someone I
love so I should make it up by staying around. I am not saying by any means
that I had a right to make that fundamental attribution error but I also do not
think it was in my best interest to try to pay him back by trying to correct
that with my love when I was not even giving love to myself. The reality is
that I could have understood that his situation with his mom was a very active
force in why he behaved the way that he did but I did not have to put myself on
the line. I know that this attribution error is common because it is just
easier to implicitly think someone is messed up. I feel like thinking this way
removes one connection to the other person. (Gilovich, T., Keltner, D., Chen,
S., & Nisbett, R. E. (2016). Social psychology. P.12)

     Also, he seemed to be extremely worried
about how other people viewed me as a person. Even though I knew they did not
know me he felt like because they were friends with me then they had some sort
of credibility to speak on who I was before I met him. Reflecting back I just
think he treated me a certain way unconsciously and then would say like “see I
told you! You do act this way or you do this just like everyone said.” I always
felt like if you came to someone and expected them to act in a certain way then
you yourself and going to end up shaping the interaction between you two. He
would get upset with himself when he brought his own self-fulfilling prophecy
to the light. Just because you think I am a certain way does not mean you can
treat me as if you’re already cautious or like you already know them and not
expect them to react. (115) Furthermore , for myself I never thought that maybe
I was doing the same things to him that he was doing to me and in looking back
I honestly was thinking the same thing about him. I feel like I was so worried
about something going wrong and something not being right because I expected
for things with him to never go right that he would sense that and just go
about his way because nothing would ever make me happy. I understand that most
people want to be cautious about the kind of people that they are dating and
bringing to their parents but at the same time I think people have to take into
account how much their own actions affects what they get in return. What made
this so much more complicated for me was that he was not the only person that
was doing it. His friends had pushed me so far away from their circle and were
just so sure that they knew me based on what they heard. They would do things
to test me when it came to him like touching on him or being too touchy or just
disregarding me because they thought that maybe I was doing the same thing to
them or whatever and then if I was to react the first thing out of people’s
mouths was that Ayanna was crazy and she had a temper and it was already bad
enough that I had other things to deal with I did not need to worry about
impressing the guy I was with and his friends and maybe one day his family. For
my age I felt like I was going through way too many things with this fake
relationship. I did not think that it was fair to have me have to prove myself
every day that I loved him and was willing to be with him despite his mental
health issues and his mother issues. I was also dealing with coming out to my
mom and dealing with being a black women searching for a healthy relationships
with a black guy because it was really not that common for black men to treat
their significant others as well as they treat other races and it saddens me
because I feel like I fell in that boat with this guy and I was doing my best
to not feel like I had to worry about that but it’s all just trial and error.
Another thing that I always thought about was that maybe he felt like he had to
worry about his own reputation but since we did not share that same reputation
I did not think it was that important. It was more important for me to follow
my heart and be true to myself whether the people around me agreed or not. If I
felt that my friends were going to put him in a position where they were looking
for him to act a particular way just to say in the end I told you so.
Furthermore, I felt like there were times were he wanted to defend me and stick
up for me but was too scared to do so because that’s not what other people
wanted him to do or that’s not what other people were thinking. I know that
from reading the textbook it gave an example about gang members who did not
always agree with the initiation process. ((Gilovich, T., Keltner, D., Chen,
S., & Nisbett, R. E. (2016). Social psychology. P.115) I feel the same way
about why the guy I was dating. Everyone wanted him to act like he did not care
about me anymore and that he was over us dating and I was the only one who got
the sensitive side and everyone else got this tough side as if it was not good
to have a soft spot for the girl you love and I know that is a sense of like
being ignorant about his emotions for his friends but at the same time was
actually feeling this. This is called pluralistic ignorance. ((Gilovich, T.,
Keltner, D., Chen, S., & Nisbett, R. E. (2016). Social psychology. P.115)
He was feeling multiple emotions and at the same time playing ignorant to one
side of emotions depending upon who he was around. However I felt I had to do
the same with my friends even though I did not want to exhibit this behavior. I
had to at tough around my friends and not like I had a soft area in my heart
for him even though to this day I would consider him someone that I loved. I
feel like we hurt each other by not giving each other a fair chance. I solely
just wanted to follow my heart and worry about myself and what I would’ve liked
to do with him and with analyzing both his behavior and mine I saw how
complicated being in a relationship in college can really impact the people in
the relationship. It was important for me to focus on my behavior as well as
his to show that even though most relationships seem very one sided, when
someone reflects back on the actual events and time they can actually see that
everything they accused the other person or people around them of doing they
too can see that maybe they attributed some fault to why the relationship did
not work out or why a friendship might not work out. It takes two to tango as
most would say and I think with the influence of social psychology it has been
easier to see that it all comes around full circle and connects back to one
thing or another. It’s all about trial and error and learning from your
mistakes and let’s just say I learned a lot about me and the people I choose
because they reflect me in the end. 

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